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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 73 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Sep 6, 2012 11:30pm PDT
central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> obama! obama! >> you have my permission to-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yeah! whoo! whoo! whoo! welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, ladies an gentlemen. tonight -- >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> oh, nation-- (cheers and applause) >> nation, what can i say, nation, i got to tell you, listen. folks, you, you had me at stephen, stephen. folks, tonight is the final night of the democratic national strokefest. the highlight-- the highlight tonight of course is president obama's big speech where he will accept his party's nomination for a second term. now i have not seen the speech, but i can tell you is a failure. (laughter) not because of what he said, but where he said it. jim? >> organizers have also decided that tomorrow's acceptance speech by president obama will have to move inside, scrapping plans to hold it in a huge football stadium. >> his speech is now being moved here to this smaller arena indoors. the campaign says the possibility of storms and
Comedy Central
Sep 27, 2012 11:25am PDT
creeping sharia law! and you know who i blame? barack obama. (laughter) oh, i have been warning you for years about his kowtowing to islamic extremists. well, now the chicken shawarma has come home to roost-- in a catastro-pita. during the past arab spring obama let radical imams lead an uprising against our radical friends in the middle east. >> you go back to the beginning of the arab spring and this administration did everything in its power to dislodge two key u.s. allies-- hosni mubarak and moammar qaddafi. knowing the replacements would be muslim brotherhood and other islamists. >> well, it's a new-- if they knew that i am angrier than i am now. >> stephen: oh my-- oh, my god! sean hannity is capable of being angrier at any given moment than he actually is at that moment! (laughter) he has torn a rift in the space-anger continuum! (laughter) folks, obama's complete lack of loyalty to our murderous dictator allies doesn't just enrage me-- and the loud hole at the top of sean hannity's neck-- it also is raising a red flag for texas congressman and forehead american louie gohmert. ji
Comedy Central
Sep 20, 2012 1:10am PDT
crushing blow to the obama campaign and it's everywhere from fox news to fox business news. >> tonight a new recording surfaces, this time it's president obama who gets caught. >> the president is now dealing with his own words on tape coming back to haunt him. >> president obama's turn to be haunted by an old tape. >> it's interesting because both campaigns now have these tapes but you may not hear about the obama tape only if you are watching fox news to hear the counter response. >> stephen: in truth, only on fox news will be hear the world counter reply. let's hear the tape. >> the trick is figuring out how do we structure governmentsomes that pool resources and fas sill tate some redistribution because i actually believe in redistribution. >> stephen: he dropped the ibomb redistribution which is is fancy talk for a black guy is coming for your stuff. [ laughter ] here is his vision you pay taxes to a single federal agency that pools it and redistributes it across the country to build roads and bridges, sometimes in states you don't live in. i bet ronald rainan is rolli
Comedy Central
Sep 17, 2012 11:25am PDT
playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> you didn't build that... that... that (crowd chanting "obama") >> you have my permission to vote. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) welcome to the "report," everybody, it's good to have you with us! (audience chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen... (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, i've got to say, after an ovation like that there is only one thing to be said: i accept your nomination as host of this show. (laughter) well, folks, welcome to the "report,". it was night one o of the democratic national drum circle last night. (laughter) and i am sad to say it was a disaster. (laughter) first of all, it was beset with technical difficulties starting with the audio. all night there was this constant buzzing roar. it was like... (laughter). it's hard to describe. jimmy? (cheers and applause) yeah! yeah, that was it! what was that? (laughter) you can barely hear the speeches. they didn't have that problem at the republican convention, i'll tell you. (cheers and applause) they know how to do audio. and mr
Comedy Central
Sep 4, 2012 6:40pm PDT
robert plant. but the real, the real game changer was when ryan brought the hurt stick to obama. i mean, listen to this crushing story of a gm factory being shut erred in his hometown. >> my home state voted for president obama. when he talked about change, many people liked the sound of it, especially in janesville, where we were about to lose a major factory. right there at that plant, candidate obama said, i believe that if our government is there to support you, this plant will be here for another 100 years. well, as it turned out, that plant didn't last another year. >> stephen: what a disappointment. because if it had lasted another year, then obama would have been president when it closed. instead it was george w. bush. thanks a lot, obama. and the lame extreme nit-pick patrol are now saying that there were other times that ryan misrepresented the facts in his speech. here's when they say he was lying. jimmy? >> right -- there. when he starts, when he starts moving his lips. right there, right there. now one liberal web site out there even spewed ryan's speech was an apparent att
Comedy Central
Sep 8, 2012 1:35am PDT
>> obama! obama! >> you didn't build that. that. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much. why. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. please. ( cheering ) nation, thank you, everybody. please, sit down. now, folks, i don't know if you watched it, but last night, the mindless mobs got together again to pander to the youth and congratulate each other on slowly destroying the moral fabric of america. ( laughter ) but what do you expect? it was the vmas. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, i don't know about you-- ( cheers and applause ) i don't upon about you, but i am outraged that all-american band and friend of the report, fun, was beaten out last night for best new artist by the british boy band, one direction. folks, i don't want a bunch of snagle-toothed, spotted dick-eating union jackoffs telling america the number of directions we can go in. ( cheers and applause ). but i will give them this-- their song "what makes you beautiful" isn't
Comedy Central
Sep 28, 2012 1:10am PDT
. >> one republican i talked to put it very bluntly, a senior republican in ohio said that obama's advantage on the auto bailout is quote a kick in the captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome. what can i say, i, i would have any one of you guard my fountain. (laughter) if anyone did that, and i don't think anybody does that. kind of a stupid job. (laughter) nation, now nation, we got to do this. nation, i'm a humble man. and i will shout that from the mountaintop. (laughter) so i don't like talking about myself. but i've got no choice. we're in a national crisis here. we need to rebuild this country's greatness. well, ladies and gentlemen, i have the blueprints-- no, scratch that. i have the red, white and blueprints. (applause) because this tuesday, october 2nd, i will release my
Comedy Central
Sep 3, 2012 5:55pm PDT
of unconditional love. >> stephen: folks, that was from the heart. and unlike obama, mitt romney does not rely on teleprompters. he relies on hallmark cue cards. (laughter) he took a long time picking them out. goes through all of them. folks, with a speech like this, it's really hard to pick a highlight. but if i had to pick a mid light, it would be this. >> president obama promised to begin to slow the rise of the oceans. and to heal the planet my promise is to help you and your family. >> stephen: yeah, [bleep] the planet! (cheers and applause) show of hands, how many of your families live on the planet? (cheers and applause) oh, then it seems a lot less funny, now. now folks, when the speech was over, the reaction in the pundit sphere was unanimous. something had occurred. >> the most cogent analysis of all came from chris wallace on fox news. >> you know guys i was going go through a long checklist of what i liked about the speech and i didn't like, but it's silly. because tonight people are only looking at the extraordinary pictures of these beautiful families and, you know
Comedy Central
Sep 26, 2012 1:30am PDT
sure there's a good reason why president obama's not going to be face to face with world leaders in these difficult and historic times. >> the president obviously has a busy schedule. he has a busy schedule all time. >> jon: yeah, he's got a busy schedule! (laughter) he can't just be meeting every world leader willy-nilly! (laughter) just because he's not meeting them face to face doesn't mean he's not filled with high level strategic room defcon economic simulations. >> president obama will appear on "the view" this morning. (audience reacts) >> jon: moments like these in an election season that you would think would be crushing obama's reelection chances. and yet they are not. why, you ask? (laughter) it's the subject of tonight's news segment "barack obama's the luckiest dude on the planet." (laughter) in an ordinary election involving a stagnant economy, global unrest, and the typical incumbent president would be at an enormous disadvantage. unless-- >> does the government have a responsibility to provide health care to the 50 million americans who don't have it today? >> well,
Comedy Central
Sep 19, 2012 6:35pm PDT
. (laughter) then, my guest, jeffrey toobin is here to talk about obama's relationship with the supreme court. i hear it's under the robe; over the gavel. (laughter) wal-mart is turning 50 years old. it's finally old enough to be a greeter at itself. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) . >> stephen: whoo! whoo! whoo! come on! (audience chanting "stephen") folks-- (audience chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) folks, folks, i've got to tell you, no matter-- sometimes i think the world is a dark cave, but you are always my light at the end of the tunnel. (laughter) welcome to th to the "report," everybody. thank you for joining us. nation, i have always hated change. that's why i'm solidly against transformers, shrinky-dinks and air caterpillars. (laughter) and don't tell me you've always felt like a butterfly trapped in a lava's body, it's unnatural. (laughter) folks, i was truly upset when i heard my favorite newspaper, the "u.s.a. today" was getting a dramatic redesign. turns out i was worr
Comedy Central
Sep 28, 2012 11:25am PDT
read the caffeine free diet coke. but that's not looking good either because obama currently leads romney by 10 points in ohio, 9 points in florida and 12 points in pennsylvania which wouldn't be a problem if between now and november 6th we can just get 290 million people to move to arkansas. (laughter) arkansas, come for the mess, stay because you traded your car for meth. but-- (applause) but, folks there is no reason to panic over these pole numbers. just ask mitt. >> i'm curious to what you would say to your supporters, your donors that might be concerned that this could be slipping away way. >> i'm very pleased with some polls, not with other polls but at this early stage polls go up and down. >> exactly, it's still early, there are 40 days left until the election amount of lot can happen in 40 days. bama could make a gaffe. mitt could win the debates. god could send a flood to destroy all mankind. so there's hope. (laughter) in fact, the election is so far off, why are we even talking about it. mitt isn't talking about it. last week when a reporter asked him if he was going t
Comedy Central
Sep 5, 2012 6:35pm PDT
. sit down everybody. i tell you, i tell you folks. what barack obama would give for enthusiasm like that. tonight we launch our coverage of the 2012 people's party congress of charlotte. this year they are hoping for a replay of four years ago when hoards of hope-addled lemmings cried as their dear leader orated between soaring greek columns. four years ago those were fake greek columns. this time it's the actual parthenon. [laughter] gresgreece sold it for a buck 7d a jug of tzatziki. folks, don't buy the hype the this convention is the biggest dog and pony show since last year when i tried to enter my palomino-doodle at westminster. [laughter] sorry banjo, they're bigots. anyway, tonight dnc dis-info-tainment line up features rahm emanuel, harry reid, jimmy carter, first lady michelle obama and congressional candidate joaquin castro and his twin brother san antonio mayor julian castro. i mean call me racist but i cannot tell these hispanics apart. [laughter] folks. the whole thing is just sad, it's just sad. every time the republicans have a convention it's like the democrats have
Comedy Central
Sep 25, 2012 11:15am PDT
is not a crisis for romney, this is a triumph! because mitt nailed it! obama supporters are nothing but lazy parasites! get a job! (laughter) folks, it's not just the welfare queens mitt's talking about. get this: the 47% who don't pay federal income tax are mostly elderly, children, and the working poor and u.s. military personnel deployed in war zones who are exempt from paying federal taxes on combat pay. see? romney mentioned the troops in a speech! (laughter) but-- but of course-- (applause). give it up for mitt romney! (applause) but the liberal hounds, of course, went after mitt like a poor person going after a basic need. (laughter) so-- (laughter). so romney threw together his second hasty press conference in one week. i believe these days he just wears a harness with a curtain and flag mounted to his back. (laughter) and, folks, i am proud to say mitt romney stood his ground! >> you're not stepping away from anything in this video? you're not backing away from anything? and do you worry you've offended this 47% who you mentiond? >> well, you know, it's not elegantly stated
Comedy Central
Sep 18, 2012 6:40pm PDT
and prayers go out to the victims and their families. but my rage goes straight at barack obama. you see, his buddies in the press are trying to make this crisis about mitt romney. who on the day of the a attacks courageously vowed not to campaign on 9/11. >> there is a time and place for that. but this day is not that. >> stephen: no. that day was not that. (laughter) turns out, that night was that. jim. >> governor mitt romney just releasing this statement. it's disgraceful that the obama administration's first response was not to condemn attacks on our diplomatic missions but to sympathize with those who waged attacks. >> stephen: how dare obama sympathize with the attackers. he should have stood up against them like mitt romney did by attacking our president. (laughter) now it turns out, folks, when romney attacked him, obama hadn't said anything yet. (laughter) mitt was talking about a brief statement condemning religious bigotry put out on the web site of the cairo embassy before the attacks ever happened. so of course there came a barrage of attacks from the liberal media
Comedy Central
Sep 21, 2012 6:35pm PDT
, folks, because we are all suffering right now under the fatal-- failed presidency of barack obama. and don't tell me rescued the auto industry. because the last time i checked the 2013 chevy malibu doesn't even come with a heated steering wheel. what are we, bangladesh? now clearly, clearly america is suffering a leadership gap. especially when you put obama up next to a true conservative, russian president and shirt allergy suffererer, vladimir putin. my friend putin here is a strong leader who has long inspired all of us with his manly courage. he's cross bowed a gray whale. he's tranquilized a polar bear and evidently roofied a siberian tiger. not pretty, but that's how you make thunder cats. (applause) as putin himself has written, he enjoyed, quote, events involving the participation of fauna. (laughter) he enjoys it. for instance, he set the bear trap. then the bear participates in it. folks, you want leadership, recently to train some birds who were raised in captivity putin pilotted a hang glinder at the head of an endangered siberian crane migration donning white overalls to b
Comedy Central
Sep 21, 2012 11:35am PDT
. it's effective. and norfolks we might just be stuck with this barack obama fellow for four more years, folks, because mitt romney and really all republicans are facing a true challenge with the changing ethnic makeup of america. as south carolina senator and 9th grade dance chaperone lindsay graham recently explained, the demographic race we're losing badly. we're not generating enough angry white guys to stay in business for the long-term. yes, it's true. and if they are going to stay, republicans need to make more angry white guys. now of course the simplest solution is for them to purchase my new line of premium mail order sperm, formula 401 seeds of discontent. (cheers and applause) harvested from my "grapes of wrath" t is the same white male starter kit you know and love but in a limited batch especially produced while i was very angry watching gay porn. knock it off! give it a rest. seriously. still, with a dwindling supply of white republicans the gop has got to reach out. >> one of the biggest challenges facing the gop this november certainly will be winning latino voters. >>
Comedy Central
Sep 5, 2012 11:30am PDT
best to work with barack obama and they hoped he would achieve some success in his administration. do you believe that. >> i do believe that and i know a lot of the folks in your audience might not but you have george w. bush who was under a serious cloud about his legitimatlegitimate see in 2001a fair number of crats to vote for that legislation despite the fact the democrats detected the guy. this is failure on the part of the president or just a failure on the part of the republicans. i think in that early period. >> stephen: a lot of the failure on behalf of the democrats that they are willing to compromise with people they don't like. whereas the republicans have the strength to not do anything for someone they want out of office after one term. [crowd cheering] give the republicans some credit. >> i actually don't think that's quite right. when you look at 2009 a lot of republicans in congress were actually really afraid. they thought negotiator barack obama is really compelling chairs maticharismatic he has ar agenda and it proves not to be popular with the broad independen
Comedy Central
Sep 25, 2012 11:30pm PDT
that the latest "national journal" poll has obama leading romney by seven points! but folks there is no reason to panic. fox news will panic for you. (laughter) >> i think these polls in the battleground states understate romney's support. >> i don't believe that the polls really matter until the debates begin. >> i think one of the first times that we should look at the polls in real sincerity is after one or two of the debates. >> stephen: yeah! after one or two of the debates. mid-october. give it time. (laughter) the romney campaign is only on their third reboot since the convention! we've had businessman romney, foreign policy romney, latino romney. (laughter) but we still haven't seen aqua romney! (laughter and applause) he-- (cheers and applause) he uses his mental powers to tell fish that 47% of them are just lampreys. (laughter) so conservatives, just forget about the polls! it is way too soon to start mourning the death of the romney campaign. and i am not in denial here, because that would mean i was starting the five stages of grief. and i am not! oh, that makes me so ang
Comedy Central
Sep 12, 2012 11:30am PDT
(cheers and applause) folks, of course, this is not-- this is not the first time obama and the atmosphere have joined forces. radio host and human weather balloon rush limbaugh blew the lid off of this last week when hurricane isaac threatened the gop convention. >> you got a hurricane coming. the national hurricane center which is a government agency, the national hurricane center is obama. the national weather service, part of the commerce department, it's obama. >> stephen: just connect the dots, folks, okay. one, obama can make and or is a hurricane. (laughter) two, he can predict the weather months in advance. three, i already had this finger up and i can't put it back. obama. he controls the weather. i mean we should have known, all black people can control the weather. (applause) very informative documentary, by the way. it's where i learned that bald people can implant thoughts in your mind. out of my head, carville. i don't want to picture mary matalin like that. oh, oh-- oh, she worked out. folks, speaking of mind control, bill clinton gave a speech last night schedul
Comedy Central
Sep 27, 2012 1:30am PDT
was certainly a hail mary. (laughter) then, obama's making us less safe. that terrorist from "homeland" won an emmy! (laughter) and my guest, author jim holt, has written a book on why the world exists. well, when two planets love each other very much they share a special hug. (laughter) the university of tennessee frat members were caught butt-chugging wine. (laughter) that sounds like some drunk ass (bleep). (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report." it's good to have you with us! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, thank you so much for joining us. good to have you with us. folks, it is almost midnight on i don't mean yom kippur, the jewish day of atonement, filled with somer reflection and profound regret-- that i had to give my writers the day off. (laughter) come back, fellas, god forgives you. (laughter) (whispering) but i never will. i'd a
Comedy Central
Sep 10, 2012 11:30pm PDT
. >> and i will give barack obama credit for creating jobs these last four years. for golf caddies. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wg ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) >> i think i can get america back from those who want to change this country. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you. folks, folks, it is thursday, the third and final and also fourth night of the republican national convention. tonight, are mitt romney officially accepts the nomination. >> i haven't seen his, i haven't seen his acceptance speech, but i know it was electric, or at least static electric. he is going to have to be good because last night was a barn burner and not just because the gop wants to cut funding to fire departments. they had, last night they had minority speakers, a bunch of them. whatever, whatever a group of minorities is called. a like a pride? a gaggle? a token. a token of minorities. folks, this is great, because romney is having a tough time attracting certain minorities. >> in the lates
Comedy Central
Sep 6, 2012 11:30am PDT
, jim. >> our tweets per minute convention hall of fame it was michelle obama who is setting a record with 28,000 tweets per minute. >> something like 28,000 tweets per minute at a speech compared to mitt romney's peak at 14,000. >> when she talked about hard work and the importance of hard work, 18,669. then she talked about the american dream and how her husband lived that out in his life. boom, 21,577. when she talked about four more years, 22,004, huge, huge numbers that we're not used to seeing. >> stephen: yes, boom! i have never seen numbers like that! (laughter) 22,004. that number is huge! especially when you compare it to other numbers that are smaller. (laughter) folks, this is the greatest number related reporting since cronkite broke the horrific cannibal story the 789. (cheers and applause) it was a sad story. must have been very hard for him to hold it together there. now, given these unprecedented tweet numbers, what do they mean? are they good or bad? for more we go to someone else. >> according to twitter, he speech peaked at 28,000 tweets per minute. now, it doesn't
Comedy Central
Sep 12, 2012 1:15am PDT
highlight-- the highlight tonight of course is president obama's big speech where he will accept his party's nomination for a second term. now i have not seen the speech, but i can tell you is a failure. (laughter) not because of what he said, but where he said it. jim? >> organizers have also decided that tomorrow's acceptance speech by president obama will have to move inside, scrapping plans to hold it in a huge football stadium. >> his speech is now being moved here to this smaller arena indoors. the campaign says the possibility of storms and lightning forcing the move. >> they moved it inside because they couldn't fill the stadium, period. >> period. >> it wasn't the weather. they knew what the weather was going to be months ago. >> stephen: exactly. (laughter) >> stephen: they knew what the weather was going to be months ago. i mean anybody can go on to weather.com and check the 100 day forecast. (laughter) okay? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: looks like i'm going need my windbreaker on december 15th. now folks, the truth about this scandal, which some are calling avoiding
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 73 (some duplicates have been removed)